No. I can’t. I simply can’t. All this cruel world has given me are a set of shattered dreams and unfulfilled promises. I just can’t.... No more depressing mornings, no more numb evenings I want to see. All I want to do is to slip into a deep slumber. A peaceful slumber, a few metres under beneath the lap of this earth.
All I want to do...is suicide.
A ramshackle Wilkinson Sword blade was the weapon I found after scanning through among the rubble in my bedroom. My right hand glanced along her surface, feeling its deadly smoothness. But the question remained....which hand – left or right..? Which one was destined to provide me the path to nirvana? It was tough to decide. After a lot of forethought and afterthought, I made the call. After all, I had to make the call. So be it my left hand. A snort of derision spread across my countenance as I stared at my right hand. “Huh, you call yourself my comfortable hand, do you? But when the need came, your other half stepped forward....”
Caressing the matrix of bluish-greenish blood vessels adorning my left wrist, I moved towards the window. Hopefully one last time. A gentle breeze, I reflected. “This year, the summer wasn’t that very hot. The new Air Conditioner didn’t turn out to be a good investment. And I really don’t know why people want to increase the air conditioning capacity in the office. I very often end up feeling really cold out there….” The breeze began to play with my hair. Irritated, I started putting my hair back to its place. “Next time I go to barber shop, I’ll make sure he really trims it to the maximum possible extent. A military cut style....”
It is then when I noticed a piece of paper fluttering on the table adjoining the window. Gas cylinder bill. S**t, today is the last date. If I don’t pay up, those people are surely going to disconnect my connection. I can’t afford to run after reconnection formalities, I really can’t. Switching on my computer, hopefully one last time, I made the payment online. Ufff, what a relief. Thank God, I remembered at least today.
I brought the blade closer to its intended destination. And I thrust myself onto the rexin settee.
Hey, what the hell am I doing..? It’s hardly been a month I bought the new settee. And if blood falls onto it, the stains are really going to be tough to eliminate. Immediately I pushed open my closet, took out a white towel and spread it on the settee. Thank God, at least now I remembered....
At last, hopefully for one last time, I closed my eyes. I hardly felt any feeling the infinitesimal moment the blade slit my left wrist.
I opened my eyes hoping that I’d be half dead. All I saw on my left wrist was a pore, slightly bigger in size than nanoscopic dimensions. I cursed myself. Someone who can’t even keep a sharp blade in his apartment ought not to live...
In a moment of rage, I threw out the Wilkinson Sword through the window and paced my way to the kitchen. A knife...a decently sharp knife.
It was when I entered the kitchen that it dawned on me. Oh... I forgot to keep today’s milk in the fridge. How forgetful can one get... I nearly about screwed up my bed coffee tomorrow morning... Thank God, I remembered at least now...
At last I found the knife. Carrying the knife along with me, I came back to the living room and was just about to sit on the settee when the clock facing the dirty Formica wall unit, embarked on its 9’O Clock chime.
Good God… 9 already? Wasn’t today the semifinals of Indian Idol...? I think it will be that curly haired guy Karan’s day today. He really outperformed the others in the initial elimination rounds. He should make it through to the finals. My fingers found their way to the remote control lying idle on the sofa and closed in on the Start button.
Do let me watch today’s episode. Indian Idol, hopefully one last time. I can always suicide tomorrow, can’t I....